June 2011

Life seems to speed to a conclusion I am unaware of, yet I remind myself there is actually very little in life we can ever truly be sure of, It is crazy to try. Maybe Alzheimer’s is a way for God to remind us He is the one in control.

Thoughts enter my head and drift so freely they are difficult to catch. I have no net anymore that will keep them from escape, it has grown quite tattered from so much use lately. I never needed it so much as I have these last few years.

I am haunted by something I do not comprehend, struggle to find something I cannot remember having lost or even what it might have been. Also I realize I am losing myself, little by little, and am quite beyond recall.

Night dreams blend into day dreams and into what reality there might be. What thoughts I have are often in pieces before they reach the page, whether I attempt to type or write with a pen. Where will I be when all is said and done?

My life was such that all I ever had were dreams, never a true opportunity to reach for them, to fulfill them. Now I stand unsteadily on the edge of a void of which very soon there will be no return. I weep, but not for me, I weep for those I leave behind because I leave them and am still here for them to see, but not to interact with.

 

I weep, not for me, there is no point. I weep for thought that have tried so hard to reach the page, to be shared, to reach out to others, but have become lost or scattered, or shattered.

 

I have been admired for my strength, yet have always felt so very weak and foolish, so very unworthy of admiration, of affection, of notice of any kind. I am a mere mortal slowly being emptied of life, of thought, of being.

 

Anything I brought with me into this world I will take with me. But I will try to leave behind a greater love than I take and hope there is peace for all.

 

Now my thoughts are becoming muddled, so I must say good night.

 

HUGS
Dallas

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