A very small break… very long message

I can no longer remember a time when I could get everything done I wanted to do. Many will say no one seems to have the time to do everything they need or want to do anymore. It isn’t the time I am lacking so much as the ability to do what I used to do.

Response time has slowed considerably, noticeably to almost anyone even those who do not know me and that I have EOAD. Responses to questions, or events happening, over acting to some things while not reacting at all to others they think I should.

It shows in the games I play as well. Games that require quick thinking and responding are difficult at best. Games I used to be very good at and no one could match my scores on, now I struggle through and very often even avoid especially on bad days.

But how do I tell when I am having a bad day? Some days I “think” I am having at least a fair day until something happens to prove the day really is not as good as I thought it was. Other days are very obviously bad right from the start and get worse as the day goes on if I try to do something like write or go shopping or watch TV. Like right now, I know I am not having a very good day, but I am trying to get this written while I can mostly because I know I probably won’t be able to later and will likely forget if I put it off too long.

Life is never as easy or difficult as we think it should be or seems to be. Yet, when you have something like Alzheimer’s that takes away your ability to do things, to think well, I believe maybe life has become harder, much more of a struggle to get through.

There are so many days when my brain feels like it is stuck under something thick and heavy like syrup or a very heavy wet blanket. The day seems darker somehow, even if the sky is clear and the sun bright there seems to be some sort of shade over the world that grows darker as my day becomes worse. Decision making stinks at the best of times with EOAD and well I usually hide all other times anymore. In fact there are a lot of days I want nothing but to hide from the world.

They like to gage our life in stages but everything affects individuals differently so it must be hard determining exactly where someone is and how much longer they might have. Some people stay in one place longer than others and some seem to zip through so fast it makes one dizzy just thinking about it. Sometimes it almost seems like someone has skipped a stage or gone backwards. If I am making this sound like a board game, well life is a lot like a board game, only the consequences are harsher. And winning? Who really wins a game?

I’m not all here today, my eyes feel half open and tired, I feel tired although I have slept quite a bit today. It must be one of those sleepy days. Think I like those a little better than the times I can’t sleep. On the days when I can’t sleep I wind up not feeling very well. Fortunately I don’t have as many of those as some people seem to and I hope I don’t wind up have periods of two or three days or more when I am up.

Eating is another problem. If I eat one fair size meal, I usually can’t eat much the rest of the day so I try to eat smaller meals especially since I feel better than when I eat a big meal. Big to me does not mean big to everyone else. Ron says my big meal is smaller than a child’s meal. Considering the sizes of some of these child size meals I’m not surprised! Some are as big as an adult meal!

Okay, enough of that for now. What is important? Does it matter what I do with my life now? Of course it does. If I just simply gave up and did nothing but lay in bed until I died that would be silly and a waste, though there have been days when I have wanted to do just that! I just have to keep telling myself it won’t make it any easier hiding nor will it make it go away.

The other day Ron took me out to lunch and as we talked it hit me, as it will sometimes like a rude slap in the face, this won’t go away. I can’t fight it, but I don’t want to just lay there and take the beating. What can I do? No a whole heck of a lot. Bummer! Well, I can write some. Don’t expect it to be very often though, not any more. It seems the more I write the harder time I have later, but considering I have not been having any good days lately I have sort of given up waiting for them to come so I can write. I figure I might as well do what I can when I can, though it isn’t nearly as much or as often nor is it as much to everyone’s liking. Sorry. I gave up trying to please the world a long time ago. I stuck it out as long as I could, longer than most do despite the world treating me like nothing special and a burden. The world never went out of its way to please me, nor most people I ran across for that matter, so to be honest it got better than it gave the people too.

You know, sometimes I have to wonder about this spell check thing. When I see how it wants me to change some of the grammar, and it makes no sense sometimes so I refuse to. But, it does help over all. This would be a whole lot more difficult for everyone to read if I didn’t have it. For me it can be difficult to read or write at any time, more so when I am having a bad day.

I have to end this today. Sorry if I haven’t said too much that I haven’t already I tried. No guarantee I will be able to add anything new later, for all I know I might repeat half or most yet again. I apologize for that now.

One thought on “A very small break… very long message

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