No time left to waste

I feel as though I have no time left to waste and everything seems to want to waste what little time I have. It doesn’t feel fair, but I hear everyone say when has life ever been fair? To me, never. Probably a lot of others as well. I am just feeling stomped on right now.

Ron is being asked to work in Hawaii for 3 months. I hate that idea. He said he would ask about taking me with him and we living in an apartment for that time and having a sort of vacation as well as the honeymoon we never had, but he hasn’t asked them if he can do that and I doubt the allow it.

He also said he could send for me after he finishes and we spend 2 weeks there, but I don’t think they will go for that either, and most especially because they pay his way to and from or so he said he was told. Somehow I can’t believe this company will. After all it took months for him just to get the money they said they would pay him for having to drive to Seattle every day.

I know some will think I am being overly selfish, maybe a little jealously motivated here, but I haven’t got all the time in the world here. Maybe if people thought more about the fact that just because they wake up this morning with the ones they love it doesn’t mean you will end the day together, for that matter it may be the last time you ever see them.

Maybe I am being a depressed drag right now. I certainly feel cheated. After all, we have been married since 1998 and I haven’t gotten to spend much time with him and now Alzheimer’s comes along and takes more from me. I want to have some time to actually enjoy my husband before I can’t. I won’t remember it, but I would want him to have SOME happy memories of us. I would hate for the only ones to be of me half insane or totally out of it.

I hate getting our of bed most days, it’s scary. The world doesn’t feel real enough, I don’t feel real enough. The world moves too fast and I can feel it actually do so and it is a scary feeling. I still have moments where I can forget I have it, but then it doesn’t just creep up on me it actually enjoys jumping up and slapping me down then kicking me again and again.

Nightmares never end with waking, they just continue on. I was so sick one day that even though I took my morning medication it all came back up. So I had to go without until evening. Did it matter? I didn’t think it would but guess what, it did. I was so dizzy and disoriented it wasn’t funny! There had been a time when if I forgot to take the Namenda I really didn’t notice feeling any different, this time I did. I already know what happens if I don’t have the Exelon patch, that was so scary!

So, I have reached the next level, but I already knew that last year shortly after my mom died. My writing has slowed. Some days stringing words together is just not possible.

It’s odd, sometimes I can think relatively okay, the words seem to be there, but they refuse to reveal themselves in oral or written form. They stay within me. Sometimes I think I have said something, but find I haven’t. Sometimes the word are there until I try to reveal them to the world. Then they run even from me. Then I am empty.

This seems long, but it has been quite a while since I was able to put anything into words. Most days I just feel lost and unable to make myself do much if anything. Sure I feel bad, lazy even, but that doesn’t change things nor does it encourage me forward. Time moves for you, I watch it pass me by, but I have stopped.

I should be more understanding of Ron working, he needs to work for his sanity and for the money to support us, but I hate it. Adrian needs to get on with his life, he is 22 and hasn’t had a chance yet to live, I don’t want him to end up like me and never having had a life before he is denied one.

Trisha I don’t understand, was never given the chance to. I hate that. She came at a time when I was already tired, already being weighed down and didn’t know I was. It wasn’t fair to her. I am sorry.

Miranda I am afraid I won’t know when I see her again. I miss her. She may never fully understand how loved she has been. I am sorry for all of it, for them for what I have missed and will miss with them. I am sorry I haven’t been of much use or help. Sorry to have been such a terrible burden to them when they should enjoy life.

Everyone I love. I may get angry and frustrated, tired and say things I certainly don’t mean, and I hope you remember the better times we all had. I wish I could give more. I have so little to give.



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