Tuesday, November 13, 2012
How many times can a person say they are just too tired of it all? That the horrors of this disease are just too much?
I find people calling me brave. I don’t feel brave. I feel beaten, cheated, hurt, and too alone.
I never considered myself brave or strong, though it seems many others have.
UTIs cause a wealth of trouble for Alzheimer’s patients, I should know, I have been fighting one for over a month. Should have suspected it was what was causing so much trouble. Thing is, it doesn’t want to let go anymore than the Alzheimer’s. I am a prisoner.
I have countless broken bones since I was born. Lived in a body cast for most of the first four years, and though the breaks slowed some, I still had them and I won’t even speak of the pain.
But tears? None. I never felt the need. I always thought what was the point? They must know it hurts and they can only do so much, so there were seldom, if ever, any tears. Does this make me strong? Brave? I don’t think so, but then, that is just me. I live as I have lived the only way I knew how.
Pain? Oh I KNOW pain! It never leaves me. But to complain, again, what is the point? There isn’t anything they can do for it, so why bother with useless tears? Tears won’t make it stop hurting.
As for crying over the Alzheimer’s? Same thing, what’s the point? It won’t change anything.
There are many kinds of pain, I know them all, trust me on this, it is not meant to be a boast, just the honest truth. Tears never help any of it. As for sympathy? I never liked it, it felt too false, empathy is one thing, sympathy can be just as hurtful.
Why am I saying all this? Any of it? Because right now I hurt in every possible way imaginable and have no idea what to do about it.
I feel lost. Alone, though I know I am never actually alone. I feel like everything I do I mess up. I can’t do anything right no matter what I do.
The worse of it all is when I sit here writing and suddenly that voice says, "What’s the point?"
I honestly don’t know right now. Maybe it is just because I am not doing well right now, maybe things will look different later when I feel better, but I wonder, will I ever really feel better?