Thoughts today

 

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

7:22 PM

Alzheimer’s has undermined any confidence I might have had.

There used to be a time that I would jump at any new computer system, software, OS you know, just dive in and play never mind reading manuals. I would have snatched up the new windows 8 right after it came out, and if I decided not to buy a new computer at least bought the software and loaded it as soon as I got home.

If I bought a new computer I had that thing out of the box and was getting it set up as soon as I could.

Now: Ron bought me a new computer shortly after windows 7 came out. What did I do? Left it in the box for almost a full day. Adrian had to coax me into opening the box and getting started and even then all I did was get the thing up and running. It took me at least a month I believe before I really did much on it.

When windows 8 came out I though, "Cool!" But didn’t pester Ron to get me the new set up. He finally talked me into upgrading this one. Bought the software and there it still sits, on the desk. Unused.

This is not me. Ron went ahead and bought me a new computer today, actually he ordered it and it will come in March 2, but am I jumping up and down excited? Nope.

He asked me to please install the windows 8 onto this one before I give it to him, he seems to really like it. So I will… when I get up the courage to. This is so sad!!

It isn’t just the lack of courage that bothers me, I am kind of used to that really as I have always had rather low confidence in myself, it is the lack of emotion I can bring forth for this or anything else.

It makes me feel like I am dead inside.

I cried when my mom died in 2011, but I was scared because I really didn’t "feel" anything. Too much of the time I feel empty, hollow.

This makes responding to people and different things in life difficult. I never liked false emotion.

Maybe I should look at it this way, it is difficult to be frightened when you can’t really feel emotions. So maybe it is kind of, sort of, good?

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