I can usually tell it will stay bad by the way I feel . If no matter how many times I have tried having the light on and keep having to turn it off then I will have a hard time all day . It sometimes helps to sleep , but I am not always sure I can do this for long periods during the day .
Today was and still is a bad day .
My back was feeling a little better and I moved wrong and now it is bothering me again . It isn’t as bad as it was but I don’t want to do anything to make it worse . I would like to have it all better so I can move around better and maybe even sit on the side of the bed . I would like to be able to at least move with some ease so I don’t have to worry about hurting myself too much .
Alzheimer’s and the pain make me behave unlike myself and I always hate myself for the things I say and do then . I wish I could change the way I am then .
My husband is very likely angry with me right now and I have no idea how to make it better because I won’t be able to see him for awhile . His dad is in the hospital and I am in the rehab . It isn’t always easy for others to know if I am having a bad day or not even if they are with me so I shouldn’t be too bothered by Ron not knowing how I’m doing tonight . But I am .
More because I feel like I am a bad person . I can’t explain it right now . My head is muddled , and feels like it is full of something heavy . Something dark . Not evil , more like night sky but heavier , fuller , something that feels like it is smothering me .
I am sorry Ron for sounding like I didn’t care about you or your dad , or your mom . I do care .