Shadowy times

Hello everyone. I know I haven’t posted in a long time, sorry.
I will try to get something written while I still can, honestly I haven’t written much of anything in a very long while. Not even in my journal.
I turned 54 Nov. 26th of this year. From my notes I know that the doctors finally diagnosed me with early on set Alzheimer’s early Sept 2007. I had actually began showing signs several years before.
I was doing quite well on the medication they had me on; Namenda and Razadyne then they had to put me on the Exelon patch because I had trouble remembering when to take the Razadyne.
For the last year Ron has had to put out only the meds I take instead of filling the box and letting me do it. I was sometimes taking the night meds in the morning. Now I mostly need to be reminded to take them.
Writing was not just something to use to communicate with others or even to simply remember thoughts and feelings or ideas. Or happenings. Writing was very much a part of me. Like breathing.
When you cannot breathe you die.
Words were and are so much a part of me that not being able to use them is slowly killing me just as much as Alzheimer’s and all the damage done to my body.
Many years ago, not too long after hearing about Alzheimer’s, I wondered what happens when you can’t communicate with the world any more?
These last few months, especially this last one, at have given me at least a glimpse of what it will soon be like.
Thing is I don’t know whether I am scared or not. I mean, everything that can be done has been done. There is nothing else that can be done at this point.
Alzheimer’s is very much a one way street. On a street that keeps getting narrower and darker and no turn offs.
I have been sleeping a lot and after not being able to sleep tonight I will sleep today, most likely, and through the weekend.
You know what it feels like when you are dreaming and pinch yourself? You feel it, sort of. Well that has been the way things have been a lot lately.
Everything shutting down, waking seems more like dreaming. Most of the time I can’t tell the difference. Especially on very bad days.
I cannot walk yet still I stumble around in either a fog or the dark and am shocked when it is clear. What will happen to everything I have written when I no longer can?
What do I do with my web journal and Facebook? I know I will not care by then, but will anyone?
Maybe I will write more later. It is getting difficult to make it all come together.


From earlier

Nothing Remains



Dallas Sieck


Nothing of the day remains

This is true

Of every day we live

Nothing of the day remains

No headstone is required

To acknowledge its demise

It is marked like the earth,

Sun, stars, galaxies

And the universe

The sunset is its calling card

Nothing of the day remains

Whether I attempt to hold it hostage

My memory, photographs, drawings or written word

Nothing of the day remains

With it goes all thoughts

Hopes, dreams, emotions invoked

They none of them

Even turn to dust

They none of them

Have substance

Nothing of the day remains

Tears evaporate

Dreams unravel then dissolve

Night fades with the dawn


Nothing of the day remains

Like the stories and songs

And though life evolves


Absolutely nothing,

Remains of the day.

A new day

I feel like a light has been snuffed out and I am fighting to relight it.
Does that mean I am tired or close to giving up?
Bojangles is laying with me, though I have had him lay with me for several days now again, it isn’t where he used to lay, but he is warm and comforting and I really don’t care where he lays as long as he is there. I think I and he got used to laying real close because he felt put out, maybe he feels more comfortable? He doesn’t snuggle as much as he did before I got sick, be he has been there. Cats know things we don’t. So do dogs. If fact I think every creature knows something humans simply have either forgotten or thrown to the side, empathy.
I wasn’t going to write anything more than the first two sentences. I am glad I let that something bigger than me make me write more.

Being swiftly swept along

You know, I am beginning to think things are moving towards something very quickly. Something I had wished if I had to live to see I would have healthier. Able to get around on my own and not have to rely on others to help me so much.
I haven’t wanted to say anything and guess keeping it ambiguous now may be confusing, but there will be those who understand and can handle it while there will be some who can’t. I wanted to be available for those who needed the extra help. Now it seems I am one of those who needs help.
Things are happening fast, if you haven’t noticed. This year has gone by so fast that I keep thinking it is a very different year. It doesn’t help that my mind has been a little scattered.
I honestly feel like I am falling apart. Little by little. Pieces floating just out of reach that drift further when I try to reach for them.
I lost myself somewhere, somehow, and I have no idea when it happened and I can’t seem to find enough of myself to fix this. Soon, I think I will be lost completely. That’s how it works isn’t it? Alzheimer’s.
Sometimes I think I get caught in the dreams and I’m not sure whether that is good or bad.
When I see another person I knew has passed away, when I see another disaster has swept away people and places I thought I knew, when I watch as that thing called “TIME”, the most ambiguous thing of all, sweep everything away leaving me somewhere far behind I feel even more lost.
I no longer know this country, or this world and often with the things I see and hear, I don’t WANT to know them.
Yes, there are beautiful things in this world and there are still a few kind, truly loving people but everything seems like the good things are snapshots and the rest a flood just longing to sweep everyone and everything away.
Sometimes, when I see so many horrible things and hear so many horrible words, I think it would be a good thing to wipe the whole thing clean.
After all, I’m tired and I am sure there are others as well as this poor planet and all the innocent creatures trying to survive the many terrible things being thrown at them.
Then, I take a stroll through the photographs posted, or look out my window, or simply close my eyes for a moment and breathe and the world sparkles. The air has a fresh crisp feeling, yes part of that is due to autumn, but there is something else. Something that whispers softly it’s not yet time to give in.
I like the peace and quiet. The gentleness of a soft autumn breeze. The trees whisper one last song, one last prayer, before they slow and go to sleep. For some their slumber will be long and others it will be short. Some will wake to a spring filled with bright colors and sweet breezes speaking of summer, while some will wake to different shades of green and blue and already hear the murmurings of the changes autumn will bring.
There will be those who will read only the first few sentences of this and then there will be those who will read on. It all depends on how you travel through life.
Will you wander aimlessly, glancing at this or that, making comments when something strikes a nerve, or touches a tender spot. or will you drift for awhile, stopping to admire the world around you, talk with and listen to the people you happen to meet tucking away special words and thoughts to pass on or keep for those late, lonely nights when you wish you were back there with those friends you met along your journey.
This began one way and is ending another, or maybe not. Maybe this is like so many things in life, good things, bad things, everything seems to make a circle. Sooner or later what you do and say comes back.
So I hope your journey is sweet. Safe. Filled with love and kindness and tenderness to soften and comfort you when the times are not so gentle.
God Bless one and all.


Alzheimer’s every day


Wednesday, September 13, 2017
8:50 PM

Every day is a new day when you have Alzheimer’s/ Dementia. Every time you wake it is like the very first time. The first time you open your eyes, the first time you see the world, the first time for everything you do, see and hear.

Every experience seems new. Like something you have never done before. And sometimes life can seem more daunting. It is certainly more confusing. Sometimes more frightening.

Sometimes the world seems empty. Like you are the only person left on Earth. Everyone left and you are the last. Or maybe it is all a dream, one long dream that you can’t wake up from.

The world becomes unfamiliar. Strange. Anxiety becomes more pronounced. Little things become things too large to comprehend or manage. Meltdowns become a regular occurrence. Something you can’t fight.

But that is what Alzheimer’s is. A battle you fight that cannot be won. Against something you cannot see, touch, hear or feel, yet oddly you can. Alzheimer’s seems like an oxymoron.

Looking into a mirror is more like looking through a window and seeing a stranger looking back at you. Often it is frightening, sometimes it may just be an interesting occurrence.

Alzheimer’s is frustrating. It makes you feel stupid, lost, alone, confused. The world seems to be in shadow, or a never lifting fog. Sometimes you don’t see things that are right there. Sometimes you see things that aren’t there at all.

A never ending dream. You walk through a world that has left you behind. But you no longer care or wonder where it went. You don’t know or care where the people went. The world, for you, has changed. Become something all your own.

Words used to have such depth. So much meaning and emotion I almost drowned in them. Now, too often, they are as distant as the world around me. Foreign. Shallow. Sometimes completely incomprehensible.

Lights have dimmed. Even the sun seems to be in shadow. Seasons confusing. Alzheimer’s proves again how unreal time is. But why does it have to make everything around me seem just as unreal? Why does it have to make me feel so alone? So lost?


What I learned about being still

This is so nice, like watching thoughts flow like a river towards the sea. The words get tumbled around. smoothed, or broken, some shatter into fine grains of sand. Nothing will be left out or forgotten, but it won’t resemble what you had originally. It will grow, gather to itself all it needs to be everything you wish it to be, everything you need to be.

shanaritter: word by word

  1. It is not lying around
  2. It is not maintaining one position
  3. It is not counting breaths
    1. although counting breaths helps to get to a certain kind of stillness
  4. It is not abut mantras,
    1. although repeating a mantra helps to quiet the busy rambling thoughts
  5. You can’t be still when you are trying to be still because then you are so busy with the trying that there is no stillness.
  6. Think about when someone tells you to relax and every muscle across your shoulders and down into the arches of your feet tense. Or perhaps you just become aware of the tension and then tense more at the idea of having to relax . Its not until you let go the idea of relaxing that you do relax.
  7. It has nothing to do with giving up or giving in.
  8. But it has everything to do with surrender,
    1. as in letting go…

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