Have you ever seen a movie or show that just reached out and made you so much a part of it that you wish it were real? Okay, probably lots. But sometimes one comes along that speaks to you in just such a way it makes you feel more everything you lacked in life.
This can happen with a book or a song or a piece of art, almost anything. Weird.
I never had many friends. We moved too much and always at just the wrong time. And trust me, they may say they will write, but life happens. Especially when you move so much. Much more than addresses change and get lost.
Maybe this is the biggest reason “San Junipero” from the Black Mirror keeps calling to me. Two people finding someone and something they had lacked. Though one didn’t know it at the time.
In this day and age more and more people are able to have friends even if they never actually meet in person. Some become close, some even marry. And it often seems easy to make friends. Maybe too easy considering there are not so nice people out there who would rather harm than help.
Still, we have a chance that wasn’t possible before. Even if the same things tend to happen. Fights, stalking, bullying, etc. The opportunity to have a friend, someone to share thoughts and ideas with, laugh with, cry with, and all the rest is there. It really makes me wish more than ever that people were nicer to one another. After all, isn’t that the point of us all being here together? To be nice to each other, to smile at each other, share a little thoughtfulness and consideration.
Maybe there is no such thing. Maybe it is all a fantasy, wishful thinking, like “San Junipero”. But every day that goes by that I hear about so much hate, anger and all the ugliness, loneliness, it makes me wish all that harder that it were real.
What they have there is probably what we were supposed to have, and throw away. You shouldn’t have to wait to die for good things to happen. You shouldn’t. It should already be happening.
And don’t bring the Garden of Eden into this either. I am seriously beginning the believe that is nothing more than an ecuse men make for why things are so bad when in reality they could change. But I guess making excuses and staying the same mean, selfish self is easier.
Good night.

It Really is Sad

Warning, this is a venting post. I am not taking any consideration of anyone’s personal feeling right now. Mostly because too few bother to consider mine. This is simply something I have to get out and just having it tucked away hidden in a file seemed disrespectful of myself and the few out there that must feel and think the same as I do. It would be a shame if I found I really was a lone wolf on this subject. But I don’t think I am.

It really is VERY sad that a grown man cannot simply move on with more important matters. It really is VERY sad he thinks the country has nothing better to do or think about than his childish ego. 

If you realize I am speaking of the baby pretending to be president than you are right. I really am heartily sick of hearing his constant whining about his not receiving more popular votes than he did, and to be quite honest if there IS voter fraud I would suspect it more his doing than anyone else’s and he simply can’t believe his trick didn’t work.

What will he do when they find there is no fraud except on his part?

I am sick of the tantrums he throws, his finger pointing, his constant pouting. He has managed to ruin what little this country had left of respect. And I am writing this to vent, not please.

It sickens me having to wake every morning knowing there is a hateful, spiteful infant throwing tantrums because he doesn’t get things he wants. I never dreamed we would have to live in a country run by people as awful, as selfish, as the people in D.C. right now.

Between the white house, the congress and the senate, we have nothing but idiots thinking only of their own personal self interest instead of the country. I never dreamed it would be so bad. I want to go to sleep and never wake up.

Every time I read of another idiotic thing happening there it makes me wish I had died last year before I had to witness such a sick tragedy. We finally found a government that is so evil and closed minded, thinking only of what they might get out of only God knows what, that I doubt this country ever recovers. It would take many, many generations for this mess to get fixed.

I see it getting much worse long before it gets even slightly better. And it won’t happen with anyone who is currently in office. Sad to think everything my forefathers fought for when they fought for independence has been flushed down the toilet. And all for a few stupid bucks and ego. Perhaps my forefathers saw what was coming because they all left for Canada, Alaska and a handful here in Washington state. It’s a shame most are no longer walking among the living. The country could use a good swift kick!



Rambling thoughts over ragged sharp stones

 I have one son and two daughters. My oldest daughter now has 2 sons and is a wonderful mother. Despite my thinking I was a not very good parent, my children have said otherwise and when I see how my daughter is raising her sons, I realize I couldn’t have been too bad at it. HUGS
Hey Sweeties, I honestly hate to say this but, this country is in for a world of hurt. In fact, the country that so many men and women and even children died to make happen is in grave danger of being brought down. Regardless whether they manage to get him impeached or not, there is so much damage in so many ways, the country will never fully recover from this.
I am afraid of what will happen. This is not the world, the country, we wanted for you, for our grandchildren, or great grandchildren. He may be a joke of a president, but he is very dangerous because he not only does not know things he should know, he doesn’t care. He doe not care what happens to the people, as long as he has a place to hide in comfort, he does not care what happens to the rest of the nation.
I will be posting this on my blog in a bit, but wanted to share it with you. How are you doing sweetie? I have found you wandering through my thoughts a lot lately. So many things have changed.
But one thing remains the same, we love and care about you very much. Hope that you are well. Trisha graduates this June. Amazing right. 🙂
Take care, my Angel, fly hi and stay free. Help those who are in need and remember, they don’t always look the way one might think.


What life is for some

Have been wondering lately if what I have been feeling and experiencing is from Alzheimer’s or a combination of Alzheimer’s and menopause. Whatever it is, it is harsh.
It feels like my brain is being smothered, crushed. It is almost like experiencing a fainting spell in very slow motion, the darkness is not quite complete, but not that far either.
I wear glasses sometimes, and I have found that when I wear them it is much worse, trying to see the world around me when my mind simply cannot accept what it is seeing. No. it is so much better on a bad day to have them off and keep my eyes closes. Or to be able to focus on something close.
If I watch something on my tablet, then try to look out at the room, at everything going on around me, everything collides and yes I have to hide. The same thing if I have been reading awhile. I can no longer go from one realm to the other with ease.
There are days all I do is sleep. I am having more and more trouble naming things that I always knew. Simple things. I know a day will come when I don’t even try. Feels like it is coming too soon.
Trisha, my youngest, graduates this June. She got to go to her prom. She has been tackling life as though she will die tomorrow. And I am so very proud of her.
I can’t recognize her from one day to the next sometimes because she is always changing something, usually her hair. And of course her clothes. I always knew that of the three of them she would be the one always on the go. Taking on the world. And I am so very proud of her for that.
I am proud of each of my children. Each for different reasons. They are each very special. I am also very proud of my two grandsons. They are so smart and so into life and art. They love the world and people and animals. They love.
Maybe that was all I was supposed to do, we are supposed to do. Love. Love and be happy, happy with what we have and are and with what we can do even if it doesn’t seem like much, it must mean something.

A Rough Spring

It has been a really rough spring, yet I am thankful that I am not in the hospital this time. I have hit a hard place in that on top of having Early on set Alzheimer’s, now I am going through menopause. And since menopause has so many of the same symptoms I get a double whammy. 


It never ends. It has been making me ask, “What’s the point of all this? Why do we do all the things we do? All the hard work, making money, writing, anything we do. Why?”


You know, that tiny word can really be huge. It makes me think of something I have said since I was a teen, “For as vast as the Universe is, the mind is more so.”  I realize there will quite a few people who say, “No way!” But think about it a minute.


Have you ever REALLY been able to answer the question, “Why?” I mean it is one silly word and yet it is an entire question all by itself that never seems to have a solution, one why will lead to another and another and soon you have – a Universe.


Lately I have found it difficult to write. I have been having more trouble stringing words together to form sentences, at least any that make sense. Thank goodness the people around me can usually puzzle out what I am trying to say. It is maddening trying to come up with a simple little word like – oh for heaven’s sake anything. My brain has decided to stop so I have to end this.



One of THOSE days

Have you ever wondered if anyone reading what you write are people who really need to see something like this or if they are people who are already like you and so easily find it?

Of course, if you have found it, even if you are something like me, you may need to read something here whether because you might learn something you don’t know about yourself, or me, or the world, so I guess everyone who finds this must need something in it. Even if it is a smile.

Not even sure why this came to mind. But I have been wondering odd things lately and have found that it bothers me more now than it once did that I can’t understand why we are here. What purpose there might be in all of this. What the point of all this is.

Yes, it is one of THOSE days.

attempting  to  make  it  anywhere  with  Alzheimer’S

It  has  been  truly  difficult  to  do  much  of  anything  for  far  too  long .  I  am  feeling  good  right  now  and  wanted  to  write  something  before  things  get  stupid  again .  

I  haven’t  been  able  to  walk  since  I  fell  last  January  and  broke  both  legs .  Alzheimer’s  is  good  for  something, I  can’t  remember  the  fall  very  well,  if  at  all ,  and  I  used  to  have  so  much  trouble  NOT  remembering  things  like  that .  I  used  to  have  nightmares  after  falling  and  breaking  something .  Thing is ,  I  have  been  remembering  less  every  day .  Not  so  good .  

I  will  say  this ,  I  am  so  frustrated  about  what  they  tell  people  about  how  to  possibly  prevent  this  disease  or  at  least  slow  it  down .  And  the  remarks  about  having  better  education  and  training  your  brain  drive  me  nuts .  

First  of  all  most  of  the  people  who  have  been  diagnosed  with  Alzheimer’s /Dementia  have  been  highly  educated  and  worked  their  brains  probably  TOO  much .  Many  of  them  had  exceptional  memories  like  me.  And  I  have  been  wondering  about  the  early  onset  version  of  Alzheimer’s ,  because  I  have  found  it  is  not  a  new  one  only  recently  discovered.  

I  believe  several  people  who  gave  much  to  science  and  technology  as  far  back  as  the  1700s  and  possibly  even  earlier  had it, especially  the  early  onset  one .  Watching  several  scientific  programs  and  reading  biography  and  autobiographical  has  helped  me  see  this .  It  has  made  me  think  that  they  are  looking  for  answers  in  the  wrong  places.  Which  is  sad .  But  will  they  listen  to  anything  that  I  say ?  Probably  not .  

I  do  believe  that  the  Dementia  one  gets  BEFORE  age  65  is  more  different  than  the  type  one  gets  AFTER  age  65. It’s  difficult  to  explain  why  I  feel  this  way .  I  just  do  and  need  to  say  something  about  it .  And  as  for  Alzheimer’s  usually  hitting  the  uneducated ,  and  the  poor ,  and  people  who  don’t  take  care  of  their  health  and  never  work  their  brains,  I  find  that  silly .  

I  know  that  they  are  trying  to  get  people  to  take  care  of  themselves  better,  but  these  things  don’t  seem  to  be  the  cause  of  EOAD.  I’m  sorry.  And  working  on  puzzles  and  keeping  your  brain  active  and  alert  is  great ,  but  it  won’t  stop  the  disease .

You  see , if  EOAD  worked  the  way  they  are  trying  to  say  it  does  then  why  do  we  have  so  many  people  who  are  highly  educated  and  such  hard  working  and  who  have  been  doing  puzzles  of  all  sorts  with  the  disease .  The  same  might  be  said  for  the  disease  that  strikes  after  age  65.

My  husband  and  I  saw  a  show  on  Alzheimer’s  / Dementia  maybe  10  years  ago  and  what  stuck  with  me  was  one  woman  who  was  oh  I  think  in  her  90s  or  over  100  and  she  could  remember  so  many  things  that  I  was  wishing  I  could  sit  down  and  just  listen .  I  would  have  asked  her  if  I  could  write  about  it  all .  Can  you  imagine  all  the  things  we  will  never  get  to  know  because  it  is  not  being  written  down .  And  this  woman  never  went  through  college ,  in  fact ,  I  can’t  remember  exactly , but  I  don’t  think  she  went  very  far  and  may  not  have  gone  at  all .  

There  are  many  other  people  who  are  like  her .  Some  took  care  of  themselves ,  but  some  did  just  about  anything  and  everything , so  much  in  fact  you  were  somewhat  surprised  to  see  them  not  just  alive ,  but  enjoying  life  and  what  they  were  talking  about .  Yes , I  so  wish  I  could  sit  down  with  people  who  are  50 up  and  talk  with  them  and  write  down  what  they  said .  

To  be  honest ,  I  think  children  would  learn  more  if  they  were  allowed  to  sit  with  someone  who  is  in  a  retirement  home .  I  think  everyone  would  benifit from  the  experience .  And  when  the  children  are  old  enough  to  write  well  enough  to  be  read  by  others  stories  that  are  currently  being  lost  can  be  saved .  

The  children  learn  more  about  life ,  manners , respect , responsibility  and  so  much  more  and  the  people  who  they  are  sharing  their  time  with  feel  happier .  Less  lonely  and  so  many  other  things .  I  think  it  would  be  a  great  thing .  Something  that  can  start  in  at  least  first  grade  and  continue  through  high  school .  Something  that  would , besides  making  everyone  feel  great  and  so  much  learning  being  done , it  would  look  good  on  an  application  whether  for  work  or  college .  Also  by  doing  this ,  it  may  help  get  more  people  interested  in  Healthcare  Jobs  especially  where  we  need  it  most  – the  retirement  homes  and  memory  care  facilities .  

Yes,  I  realize  that  there  are  individuals  who  are  not  keen  on  having  children  around , but  many  of  these  change  after  getting  a  little  bit  of  attention ,  the  proper  kind .  It  will  take  time  to  get  it  going  well , but  once  it  does ,  everyone  will  be  wondering  why  it  hadn’t  been  done  sooner .  

Maybe  starting  out  one  day  a  week ,  or  if  you  think  that  is  too  much, then  try  once  a  month .  But  weekly  would  be  great .  For  lots  of  reasons  and  I  would  have  to  say  that  twice  a  week  would  also  work  allowing  the  children  more  opportunities  to  get  to  know  the  people  and  possibly  more  than  one  home  being  at  so  more  experience .  

A  lot  of  people  who  are  reading  this  article  will  think  I  have  slipped  a  little ,  or  a  lot .  But  this  is  something  I  have  been  thinking  about  for  a  long  time .  This,  by  the  way , would  also  work  in places  where  they  have  disabled  people , or  veterans  if  they  allow  it .  

You  know .  My  blog  pages  never  read  the  way  I  think  they should .  I  don’t  know  if  I  am  doing  this  right  or wrong .  My  journals  read  the  same  way .  Odd,  often  rambling ,  strange  and  often  gut  wrenching .  My  husband  says  that  I  tend  to  be  too  blunt  and  I  try  to  be  honest .  If  I  make  a  difference  in  someone’s  life ,  especially  if  they  need  it,  then  I  am  happy . 

Alzheimer’s  is  slowly and  mercilessly  beating  me .  This  is  a  battle  that  I  will  not  win,  but  I  will  not  let  it  take  me  before  I  get  to  tell  you  what  I  can  about  it  and  what  it  is , does  and  what  it  might  do  if  we  cannot  do  something  about  it .  But ,  it  is  not  a  new  disease ,  it  is , however ,  taking  more  people  than  it  once  did  and  younger .  It  may  be  the  thing  that  wipes  out  humanity .  After  all ,  it  doesn’t  just  distroy  the  memory , it  distroys lives .  And  never  just  one .