we are  all  of  us  not  so  much  different  from  one  another .  

A  memory  keeps  coming  back  to  me .  It  is  a  good  one  yet  is  an  embarrassing  one  for  my  oldest daughter , and  a day  I  remember  for  the  shock  of  what  happened  then  smiles for  a  little  girl  in  love  with  someone  or  something  so  much  larger  than  she  was  at six  years .  

The  world  had  just  been  told  that  Princess  Diana  died  and  they  were  showing  live  shots  of  all  the  people  in  London  and  around  the  royal family .  When  they  got  a  good  close  up  of  Prince  William  my  sweet  Miranda  jumped  on  the  television  and  said, “I’m  going  to  marry  you ! ” of  course  she  could  not  have  understood  what  it  all  meant  at  that  time .  

She  was  a  great  comfort  to  me  that  day .  In  so many  ways .  I  will  add a  photo  of  her later  today .   

This  story  didn’t  end  that  day  and  I  imagine  it  will  continue  in some  way  for  many  years .  

I  mostly  mentioned  it  because  of  the  similarities  between  them  though  there  may  be  many  people  who  don’t . She  named  her  first  son  William  and  he  was  born  around  the  same  time  as  the  little  prince . Het second  son  was  born  around  the  time  their  daughter  was  born .  It  is  amazing  really  how  much  alike  we  can  be sometimes .  

A change  in  thought  : I  check  the  news  though  to  be  honest  I  feel  like  I  fell  down  a  rabbit  hole  and  I  do  believe  that  stupid  white  rabbit  is  hiding  from  me .  He  wants  me  to  struggle  with  finding  him . 

Why  do  I  feel  like  this ?  It’s  simple  really ,  just  look  around  for  a  few  minutes  oh  and  don’t  forget  to  listen  to  all  the  “talk”. That  will  set  the  mood  and  tone, though  I  have  been  looking  for  something  to  stuff  in  my  ears .  It  is  nice  that  I  can  close my  eyes  but  still  need  something  for  my  ears .  One  can  only  take  so  much  nonsense  and  when  someone  can talk  for  20,30, or 60 minutes  and not  really  say  anything .  I  have  better  things  to  do  with  my  life .  

We  are  now  going  to  be  forced  to  live  in  an  alternative  reality .  This  might  not  frighten  you , but  it  does  me . I  really  don’t  need  any  more  altered  realities . I  was  hoping  for  a  peaceful  and  relatively  happy  last  few  years .  This  really  stinks . 

The  stress  and  contention , the  frustration  and  aggrevation is  really  too  much .  Having  a  leader  in  office  who  seems  overly  paranoid (which  is  the  only  thing  that  he  is  thinking  about  it  seems ) and  who flits from  one  thing  to  another  is  not  a  good  thing .  Now  I  am  sounding  stressed  out .  I  would  like  to  go  to  Canada, but  I  don’t  think  they  will  be  allowing  very  many  people  and  may  shut  people  out . I  know  that  they  said  they  would  welcome  everyone , but  the  mounted  mounties picked  up  a lot  of  people  who  are  trying  to  get  out  of  this  country . Some  people  will  be  sent  further  but  I  am  afraid  that  Americans  may  be  sent  back . 
But  maybe  not .  They  are  pretty  good  people .  I wouldn’t  mind  living  in  Canada .  I  will  likely  be  hunted  down  and  shot  for  this . A  very  unstable ,  paranoid  man  sits  in  the  White  House .

It  is  late  and  I  am  falling  asleep .  I  will  finish  this  up  in  the  morning .  

HUGS

New Poem

Untitled

by Dallas Sieck

 

Untitled as yet

by Dallas Sieck

you are
like a sip of water
given a dying man
wandering the desert
God’s words wash over me
filling me
freeing me
for loving me so freely
thank you
each step I take in this long journey
savoring sights
savoring sounds
savoring all that has been given me
thank you
every breath I take
every beat of my heart given to me
sings of the love
so freely give to me
thank you
you reach down and
lift me up
wipe away tears
give hope
when I thought all was lost
you found me
found in me
something I though long gone
thank you
thank you
for not giving up on me
when I gave up on you and myself
thank you
you are a sip of water
a warm and gentle touch
a smile and kind word
when so much is harsh
you remind me there is kindness
thank you

I will slip in from time to time. Mostly I will check messages from family and friends who live far from me. I care about everyone and do think about the lot of you. Always. I will share with you the words that drift into my head and heart to find a place on the pages I put them. I do hope they will be well received though I am well aware of my tendency of being quite blunt, I do try to be fair and open minded and will try to keep any judgements I might feel between God and myself.

God Bless
HUGS

The way most people see me

A lot of people reading my blog would probably never know that I have Alzheimer’s. I usually get shocked responses when I tell people. I guess I don’t talk about it as much as others might. Of course lately I have been having more trouble with it. I feel lost and sleepy. I get lost among the words I am writing.

I have my good days, just not as many as I used to. And I am being over generous with my use of the word “Days” because usually they consist of brief moments of clarity. Then things get hazy, dim, then darkness overwhelms me.

I no longer trust my memory. What once took so little time and effort to write has become a challenge. The world seldom looks friendly and with so much happening now that is causing contention and aggravation I am edgy and lost more than usual. Confused.

Words don’t come to me as they once did and those that do often scatter like startled birds or butterflies. Rushing off in a confused storm leaving me, as I already said, lost and confused and sometimes dazed.

I seem to me doing little more than running in a circle, though it is an odd one. Actually it may resemble one of those drawings people like to color. I wonder, could it look sometimes like a dreamcatcher? Scared myself. I almost forgot the word.

HUGS 

Looking for something not even lost

I was thinking today about how so many people seem to be looking for something that has never really been lost, they simply don’t realize they have it.
Love like God and so many other things is not something we can always readily see. We aren’t supposed to. We are supposed to simply KNOW it is there, FEEL it. Funny thing is, we tend to want to SEE everything.
But you can’t see everything, and you shouldn’t believe everything you see.
It is hard sometimes. We want to see how much someone cares never realizing they might want the same thing and simply not know how to give or take. So they simply exist together. Wanting and needing something they already have.
Life is stupid and confusing, but somehow I wonder if people simply make it more so by never realizing what they already have. Instead they want to cry about what they think they don’t have.
Just because you don’t see something doesn’t make it less there. If it did, then nothing would exist outside of what we see. Now THAT is just plain weird! That is like closing a book before finishing it. Or saying someone or something doesn’t exist simply because you don’t see it, or want to, or want to believe it.
Okay, so you don’t want to believe in a twenty story building, that doesn’t mean that someone else doesn’t, and it won’t make those twenty story buildings simply disappear.
You’re thinking right now that I am not making a lot of sense. But if you think about it, it does.
Stop looking for what is already there and accept the fact it is. Embrace it and reach out even if it scares you and let someone close to you know how much they mean to you. Because they might not be there tomorrow. That doesn’t mean they don’t love you, it simply means they have moved on. Maybe to give to someone else what they gave you. It doesn’t mean you have less, it means you have more.

Rushing Forward

Life is almost too much sometimes. I turn on my computer and get on the web and get smacked in the face with so much confusion and anger it is ridiculous. Then I try to find a place where things may be mostly recognizable and sometimes stumble into more of the same confusion and upset, not to mention changes that make it difficult to know what to put where.
It doesn’t help coming on every day either because things change so fast I can close things down and then get back on five minutes later only to find everything completely changed and wonder if maybe it is me who has changed or not seen things properly the first time I came on.
I never know what to expect anymore. Whether “walking” out my door, or “walking” through the internet. It is almost like humanity is rushing towards something, but I’m doubtful they know what or whether they will like what they find when they get there.
Rushing forward
Ever onward
Never looking back
Yet dragging it too close behind
What will be at the finish line
Besides breathless wonder
And even more desire
Or perhaps an end

Fighting Alzheimer’s is a no win battle

I  am  amazed  by  how  many  people  still  have  very  little  idea  what  Alzheimer’s and  dementia   is  and  does  to  people .  How  it  makes  a  person  feel  and  behave . 

Too  many  people  do  not  understand  that  you  can  and  will  sleep  a lot  of  the  time  and  it  gets  worse  as  time  goes  on . 

Some  people  will  be  angry  and  fight  against  whoever  might  be  there.  What  you  might  not  understand  is, they  aren’t  striking  out  at  you  so  much  as  they  are  striking  out  at  the  disease .  We  are  fighting  something  that  cannot  be  seen  or  heard  so  lash  out  at  whoever  is  there.

There  are  some  who  seem  fine  yet  may  start  crying over little  or  nothing, or  they  may  laugh  the  same  way .  They  are  sometimes  easily  frightened.

Vision  will  be  strange  and  unsettling  sometimes  and  that  will  get  worse. For example:  for  me  there  are  times  where  there  seems  to  be  a  haze, fog  or  smoke  between  me  and  the  rest  of  the  world .  And  sometimes  it  is  more  like  looking  through  a  pane  of glass  that  cannot  be  easily  seen  through .  Like  the  older  ones.

Sounds  can  also  be  a  problem .  I  have  a  good  deal  of  hearing  loss  yet  there  have  been  times  when  I  need  to  cover  my  ears  because  the  sounds  are  so  loud  and  startling  and  often  confusing .  I  may  not  even  be  able  to  understand  my  own  language . 

I  no  longer  feel  comfortable  leaving  my  house  and  have  found  that  I  am  more  comfortable  there.  So now  I  am  in  a  Rehabilitation  facility  after  first  breaking  both  legs  and  feet, then  getting  sick .  It should  not  have  been  a  surprise  when  one  day  I  was  feeling pretty  foggy  that  suddenly  I  had  no  idea  where  I  was.

Confused  I  told  a woman  what  I  was  feeling  and  she  patiently  explained.  Later,  still  feeling  foggy  but  a little  better  I  tried  to  explain  to  the  nurse  who  told  me  that  it  was  just  the  medication .  When  I  tried  to  explain  about  the  Alzheimer’s  she  said  usually  it  was  the  medication  that  did  it . 

When  I  get  foggy  or  confused  or  cannot  understand  what  is  going  on  or  being  said or am  sleepy  I  am  told  the  same  thing  despite  my  telling  them  repeatedly  this  all happened  to  me  before  I  fell.

I  am  exhausted .  I’m  fighting  a  battle  with  Alzheimer’s  and  unlike  when  I  was  at  home  I  am  unable  to  do  what  I  use  to  so  I  could  at  least  rest .  I  was  told  sleep  and  rest  helps  the  body  but  it  freaks  them  out . 

So  Alzheimer’s  is  still  not  understood  even  by the  people  who  you  might  think  should  be, or  at  least  would  be and  it  should  be. I  realize  this  is  a  rehabilitation  facility  and  that  they  expect  one  to  get  better  so  they  can  leave  and  live  life  like  everyone  else,  but  it  doesn’t  happen  with  everyone .   It  won’t  be  happening  with  me .

When  I  leave  for  home  that  will  be  where  I  will  be  for  a  long  time. I  have  a  brittle  bone  disease  so  the  bones  will  take  longer  to  heal.  Factor  in  the  Alzheimer’s  and  well  you  get  the  idea . 

Right  now  this  is  the  best  way  I  can  explain  things .  Maybe  later  I  can  explain  more  than  I  have.

HUGS 
There  are  many  different  ways  we  can  see  the  world  and  honesty  there  are  many  days  all  I  want  to  do  is  hide  from  the  world . 
There  are  a  few  things  that  I  need  to  add  here ,  I  have  started  having  trembling  in  my  hands  which  can  be  troublesome  when  I  am  trying  to  crochet  or  write  on  draw .  So  far  they  aren’t  too  bad  just  a  little  scary .  

I  am  fighting  so  hard  and  I  am  not  sure  what  I  am  even  fighting  but  I  don’t  think  I  will  win  the  battle .  In  fact ,  I  am  positive  that  I  will  lose . I  am  just  trying  to  get  the  most  important  things  written  when  I  can . I  apologize  if  sometimes  things  don’t  make  sense , but  remember ,  not  a  lot  makes  much  sense  to  me .  And  less  every  day .  

Sometimes  I  slip  into  a  state  where  I  am  not  awake  yet  I  am  not  asleep  either .  I  mean ,  I  close  my  eyes  and  almost  reach  sleep  yet  am  still  fully  aware  of  everything  around  me .  I  cannot  go  deeper  into  sleep  yet  cannot  seem  to  wake  up  either .  When  someone  finally  gets  me  awake  I  feel  nausea  and  even  more  tired  and  usually  vomit   (sorry  for  this I  can’t  find  a  way  to  say  that  other  than  directly ). Afterwards  I  usually  fall  asleep  for  several  hours  and  feel  fine  after  that .  I  have  no  idea  what  this  means  or  what  it  may  or  may  not  mean  concerning  Alzheimer’s, but  thought  I’d  share  it  with  you  just  in  case  anyone  else  may  experience  this . 

I’m  very  tired  and  sorry  for  my  long  absence .  I  will  try  to  make  time  for  writing  more  soon . 

God  bless  you  and  HUGS