Very bad time

Have not been having a very good time lately. Seems Alzheimer’s has made the decision to attack harder now and I really don’t have the resources to fight back anymore. So tired.

Sad thing is, I’m not that old. Only 54. I feel so much older lately. Good thing I have a good speller to help me. Otherwise you wouldn’t be able to read this. I’m sorry, there is so much I want to say, but it just won’t let me.

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life by Dallas Sieck

Life

Monday, August 6, 2018
9:00 PM

I have had a full life
Not always happy
But if it had been
I may never have really understood life
Half so well
From a rough beginning
No matter how many times I fell
I got back up
This is what it should be
For everyone
Sometimes it seems a rollercoaster ride
Sometimes it seems heartbreak is all there is
Then suddenly
There is the sun
I never gave up
Never saw the point
I never gave in to others
Never bowed my head
Never shouted back the evil they had
Never saw the point
Life heads only one way
Never goes back
So I may still not completely understand it
But I have lived a wonderful life
Walked in places others still dream of
Heard things others still wish to
Embrace things that many are frightened to
Yes
I have had a full life
And when God asks me
To lay down my burden
Take up my heart and hand it to Him
I am more than ready
He has always had my heart
Soon He will have my life

Struggling more

I can’t remember is something I am beginning to hate. Short term is so horrible I can’t keep track of anything. And now I can’t remember much further back either. It’s all spotty. Big holes, blackholes, and emptiness. I keep a photo of you as my picture when I log on to my computer. It is one with you, mom and Aunt Mary. I feel like I am on a raft drifting further and further from the shore and no way to make my way back. Or trapped in a very small craft out in space drifting away from the planet. And sometimes I feel like I am trapped in a house with little in it and most of the doors locked or rooms empty where they are open. And it seems so dim, dark, windows too difficult to see out of and often what little I can see, seems so strange and different I want nothing more than to hide. So I do, I sleep more. It feels safer sometimes. The dreams though are beginning to seem more real than waking. It is so confusing. My memory and writing aren’t the only things I struggle with, I struggle with talking, processing things, following conversations, focusing. Everything is so much more difficult and exhausting.

HUGS

Life changes and so must we

Writing was so much a part of my life that I started talking the same way I wrote my poetry. When I worked on a book, not of poems but stories, my ideas came out in my speech. Writing was like breathing. I had to do it, I felt, or die. What once took mere moments to compose now takes several minutes, or hours, or even days, if I manage to complete it at all. I feel like I am gasping for air, struggling to breathe, struggling to put together what once was so simple it seemed like child’s play. I feel like I am drowning in all the words that fill my world. It frustrates me because they are there within reach, yet too far, too scattered, to pull them together and make sense out of. They have become nothing more than grouped together letters with no sense of structure, no ideas, just meaningless jumbles of letters. 

 

Possible repost…

There are so many things I miss doing, not all of the time, just at certain times you know.

 

Like walking Scotty. I used to do it several times a day when I could, even when I didn’t feel like it I walked him at least a couple, especially in the evening or just as night fell so we could just wander peacefully and I would look at the stars and he would follow the scents of the day. I never had to worry too much about over doing it because he could sense when I needed to come home.

 

Then I broke my right ankle real bad and it took almost a year to heal and even then the doctor said the bone didn’t look strong enough for me to walk safely without a walker. And even then I wondered if I should be at all, but I did. In fact I did so, stupidly, without my walker. Broke both legs badly.

 

You are probably wondering why on earth I would do such a thing, just get up and walk without the walker. Well Alzheimer’s tends to make you forget things and walking was something I had told myself I would do for as long as I could because I knew the day would come when I couldn’t.

 

I have another condition I was born with and has been quite a problem, though I almost never talk about it, mostly because I tried to pretend as long as you can’t see anything wrong, then there wasn’t. I hated being treated differently and they made sure I was all through school. Unfortunately there are many people who thought this brittle bone disease was something they could catch from me. So when parents found out you had the pitying ones, whom I can’t stand either for very obvious reasons, then you had the stay away from her so you don’t catch anything. Then you had the ones who said, “Don’t play with her or touch her because if you hurt her, her parents might sue us and the school.”

 

No, they never said this to me, though I got some of it from their kids. Whether they said it to my parents I have no idea.

 

Why am I suddenly saying all of this now? Well I have had to live my whole life with Osteogenesis Imperfecta my whole life. Lots of broken bones, hurt feelings that I had to keep hidden, and a lot of other things that right now I really don’t want to talk about.

 

I am talking about it because walking has finally been taken from me. I had expected it for many years. Some doctors would be surprised I was walking for as long as I did. Fragile bones wasn’t the whole problem, my back is in pretty bad shape.

 

I’m talking about this now because I want all of you who can walk to enjoy it. Look around you really look at the things around you. I always did. I tried to appreciate every step I took. Like I do every breath I breathe.

 

People tend to live life and forget that there is more to life than simply going through the motions. I try to ask Ron and Trisha every time they come home, and Adrian when I see him after he gets off work, whether they had a good day. I honestly want to hear what their day was like- for them. Sometimes it helps them recall things they might have never thought about. Sometimes it helps in other ways too. People very seldom asked me how my day was when I was younger and now, being stuck in a bed all day, sleeping sometimes half the day I have little if anything to talk about.

 

I still try to appreciate things. Alzheimer’s has taken a lot from me. Almost more than the bone disease I was born with.

 

Anyone reading this, if you actually read this far, thank you. I have many things I am very grateful for. My family, friends, getting to watch the seasons change. Watch the animals play. Scotty really likes Trisha Rachel Sieck’s cat, Bojangles. I will put some photos up and I will try to get some of Bo and Scotty.

 

You see, Alzheimer’s hit me in my early 30’s it just didn’t get properly diagnosed until Ron moved me to WA State. We found a wonderful doctor who was bluntly honest. He kept up on things but admitted it didn’t look good. But he told me to try and keep writing and reading, listening to music, draw when I could not write. He threw me a lifeline and I have an app that shows me what to do each day.

 

My days mostly go like this: I wake usually around 8 to take my meds. Sometimes I fall back asleep, sometimes I stay up and try to do things. Read, write, crochet, whatever, and sometimes I just can’t make myself do much of anything.

 

Getting old stinks. There are so many things one wants to do. So many things one wishes they had done maybe even now, The most important thing is whether we learn anything living this too often rushed through life. What gems did we get out of the struggles we had what scars, seen or otherwise, did one receive while throwing themselves against a wall probably dozens of time before finally giving in. What would your story say to others if you let them read it.

 

What gifts has life given you up to this point?

HUGS

 

Reposting?

I cannot recall whether I posted this before and it feels more real now than it did when I originally wrote it so….

The world I find myself
by
Dallas Sieck
Sometimes I find myself tripping through life
Falling into holes
And dark odd places I would rather
Never heard of
Let alone fallen into .
Sometimes I find there is a shadow
Between the world and me .
Some days denser than others .
Some days a heavy fog
Hiding the world
Or maybe it’s hiding me
Sometimes the days are too confusing
Nothing looks right
Nothing sounds right
All I want to do is hide
Close my eyes
And forgot about the world .
But then the dreams come
There are a few good ones
But more often than not
I find that I cannot tell
Dreaming from waking
Fantasy from reality .
Time trips by too fast
Distorting everything
Confusing me .
Words ,
Once my friends
Come to my ears warped
And strange
The world Alice fell into
Was nowhere near as strange
And she had a way out
I have no way out of where I am