Wednesday, September 13, 2017
Every day is a new day when you have Alzheimer’s/ Dementia. Every time you wake it is like the very first time. The first time you open your eyes, the first time you see the world, the first time for everything you do, see and hear.
Every experience seems new. Like something you have never done before. And sometimes life can seem more daunting. It is certainly more confusing. Sometimes more frightening.
Sometimes the world seems empty. Like you are the only person left on Earth. Everyone left and you are the last. Or maybe it is all a dream, one long dream that you can’t wake up from.
The world becomes unfamiliar. Strange. Anxiety becomes more pronounced. Little things become things too large to comprehend or manage. Meltdowns become a regular occurrence. Something you can’t fight.
But that is what Alzheimer’s is. A battle you fight that cannot be won. Against something you cannot see, touch, hear or feel, yet oddly you can. Alzheimer’s seems like an oxymoron.
Looking into a mirror is more like looking through a window and seeing a stranger looking back at you. Often it is frightening, sometimes it may just be an interesting occurrence.
Alzheimer’s is frustrating. It makes you feel stupid, lost, alone, confused. The world seems to be in shadow, or a never lifting fog. Sometimes you don’t see things that are right there. Sometimes you see things that aren’t there at all.
A never ending dream. You walk through a world that has left you behind. But you no longer care or wonder where it went. You don’t know or care where the people went. The world, for you, has changed. Become something all your own.
Words used to have such depth. So much meaning and emotion I almost drowned in them. Now, too often, they are as distant as the world around me. Foreign. Shallow. Sometimes completely incomprehensible.
Lights have dimmed. Even the sun seems to be in shadow. Seasons confusing. Alzheimer’s proves again how unreal time is. But why does it have to make everything around me seem just as unreal? Why does it have to make me feel so alone? So lost?