Every day a struggle

Struggles

Wednesday, November 11, 2020

5:28 PM

When I first noticed I was having trouble, it was with my writing, the thoughts and words were mostly there, I was just struggling to put them in a way that would make sense.

Then I started struggling with talking. I was never really much of a talker, though there could be times when I might chatter away, thought whether much of it made sense I honestly can’t say.

So far, thoughts are still there. I can form ideas, stories, verses and so much more, yet I struggle getting them out so others would know what I was thinking.

There is so much inside a person who has Alzheimer’s, they just can’t tell you anymore in ways you usually understand. I know. I struggle every day.

Like I forgot to post this when I wrote it.

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Where have I gone?

I used to write, like all the time and on anything I found laying around. It sometimes annoyed my mom, but usually only when I grabbed something of hers that was umm, well, important.

Now, I am lost. And along the way I lost my thoughts and my words. I tried, for awhile, to catch them with nets, but too often I wasn’t fast enough or became distracted and forgot what I was doing, or why.

Alzheimer’s is a terrible beast. I really think they should call it something else as it seems wrong to call something so horrible after someone who probably wasn’t.

I am 56 years old and will turn 57 in November. They started me on medication for this in September, 2007. I was 43 and had actually started having trouble, noticeable trouble, maybe 5 years earlier. Though when my mom sat down and really thought about it she realized I may have started showing signs in my late 20’s or early 30’s.

Me, I really wouldn’t know the earliest. I had an exceptional memory. One some might have even called a Hyper-Memory. Looking back, right now at this moment, it’s almost an oxymoron. If that is the right word.

My life is nothing like it was and nothing like I might have imagined it would be.

Recently I woke from a nap and the first thought I had was, “Why is it light?” Then I tried going back to sleep because I honestly felt as though I had lost something, it felt like I was missing something in me. That feeling never left. So once again things changed.

Now I wonder will I go to sleep and always wake up so different I feel it? Will a day come when I wake up I am no longer there? No longer me?

I’ve managed to stick around longer than I thought I would, but recently things have speeded up, considerably. And that is frightening. Just a few days ago I couldn’t recognize my husband and barely recognized my son. Needless to say that day was a real bummer.

And it isn’t getting better. Of course, with Alzheimer’s, you never get better. It is a one way trip to oblivion and you have no choice in how you go. Or whether you go. It lets you know, very much so, that you are not, nor were you ever, in control of your life.

Sleep is a welcome escape. One I never thought I would ever welcome or use. It is so welcomed the further I go along this nightmare. My dreams are seldom as scary as the world is right now. Actually, considering the way things have been going for the last 4 years I imagine a lot of people are saying the same thing, all for different reasons.

For me the nightmare will end, I just can’t say when and I won’t know when the end comes most likely as I, the ME, the person or being I am, would have very likely checked out long before if recent events are anything to go by.

I used to write, A LOT! My mom called me a true artist. More than a wordsmith, though there were many who called me, and still do. She said she could here the sounds I wanted people to hear, she could here the music, see everything I described and felt everything physically and emotionally. She called me a true Artist.

Right now I feel like I am walking through an enormous home or maybe a museum/ library/ music hall with everything I have ever written, or drew somewhere in the place filling it to overflowing. With music, songs, stories, poems, paintings, drawings and so much more. Colors and sounds fill what isn’t filled so there is no emptiness. I am so overwhelmed I don’t know what to do.

I have no idea how much longer I will be on this journey, or for how long I can ask you along with me. I do thank each and every person who has travelled this difficult, yet amazing, journey. I thank you with every fiber of my being. I will carry all of you with me in my heart always. Even when it seems I have forgotten everyone and everything, I will always have you tucked safely in my heart.

Love is strong, stronger than anyone realizes and it carries us through what we think might destroy us. It keeps us safe even when we think we aren’t and is there for us when we feel like there is no one anywhere who cares whether we live or not or ever did. I will be part of that, part of you.

So, even if I stop writing, remember, I am still here, somewhere even if it isn’t “HERE”.

God Bless

HUGS

Last days of 2019

I didn’t realize it was Friday the 13th. So the last month of the year has this awesome date.
there are a lot of times anymore that I really have no idea why I write the things I do. No idea where the words or thoughts come from. Why I felt the need to write it.
I won’t apologize for what I write. There is no point. It has become such a struggle anymore to put words together so they have meaning. And even if they might be right, at least Ron says they make sense, they don’t make a whole lot of sense to me. Too many words look wrong somehow.
I used to keep my critical opinions to myself. Lately I have found this has not been true. Lately things come out whether I want them to or not. I am losing control.
I need to remind myself though that we are never in control of our lives. The harder we try to be the more messed up things get and the more frustrated we become.
Alzheimer’s is a constant reminder that I am not in control. Any walls I had up are coming down. I get lost inside my own head. Sleep can be an escape, until you find that you often have no idea whether you are awake or asleep.
I don’t know if it is that the world is pulling away from me or I am pulling away from the world, but it doesn’t matter. Everything is falling away. And it seems the further I fall the worse the world becomes.
I know people will say that’s silly. So be it. From where I am sitting watching the world slip into confusion it is so much like what is happening to me I find it impossible to separate the world from me.
I am sitting her watching Scotty walk aimlessly around the house almost as though he is looking for something and know that if I could get up and walk it is exactly what I would be doing. I do it in my head. We are both lost and trying to find our way. To where I don’t know. It doesn’t seem to matter anymore.

Just wandering thoughts

 

 

Thursday, November 21, 2019
5:08 PM

What would this country do, the people, if they had to flee this country for some reason?

Oh yes, I hear so many scream, ” What? That would never happen!”

Really? I wonder how many people said that and then found themselves having to do just that though they thought they lived in a good place.

I skim through pictures on the web, have looked at faces since before the web brought them so easily to me. Sad, wondering when all the wandering will end. Wondering when or if they can call home “Home” again. Faces that at a quick glance just seem thoughtful. Yes they are very thoughtful. They have a great deal to think about and I imagine they too wonder what YOU would do in their place. And what if no one would accept you because you were an immigrant, a refugee.

I am laughing at you now because you are again screaming that this would never happen. I pity you.

As long as this world exists, anything is possible. You walk out the door sometimes with barely even a good-bye and never think that you may never see those you care about again. I pity you.

When reality smacks you full in the face you scream. You blame God, you blame anyone and everything except who is really responsible. Yourself. I pity you.

I pity you a great deal. You are frightened and will ever deny it. I more than pity you. I weep for you, I mourn for you because you have just what you have asked for yet deny its truth.

My heart breaks for all the future that will bear the burden of all you have done and not done. I guess I really pity you and mourn for what comes after you.

Faces. So many faces. And through their eyes I see God.

Friendship

 

The Subtle Friendship

by Dallas Sieck

Wednesday, November 13, 2019
4:26 PM

Some friendships are bold
Out there for all to see
And some are quiet
Sometimes they breeze by leaving you far behind
With all the memories fluttering along side
We love
We laugh
We cry
Sometimes we say Good-Bye
Some we meet time and time again
And some are lost
Drifting hither and yon
With either the wind or the tide
Some friendships we hold
Then are told to let go
Some friendships we understand
And some muddle our wits
But there is one thing common to all friendships
No matter how far we are apart
Whether it be miles or time
Or the closing of one’s eyes
We love
We laugh
We cry
Then we say Good-Bye

 

HUGS

 

 

I sit here contemplating life, has it past me by or have I passed it?

I was standing but grew weary so sat down with the sky, gentle breeze, the few clouds that whispered of all the days before and all that would come after. Though life is fleeting, ending for some just beginning for others there are many other people who aren’t on the ledge of sky and feel safe.

I feel that the glass globe I often imagined myself holding protected me, and my thoughts suddenly shattered, left me with a cracked bottom. All the thoughts and prayers, all of the songs and story’s that whispered to me flew out, some like frightened birds and butterflies shocked by the change in reality just as I was when it happene.

Now I sit here contemplating life holding a broken glass globe wondering what to do with it. Something in the day is mocking me. The wind and the sea mocking me. It seems I am here to be mocked. My life has changed in so many ways. It has shattered, shattered and between the wind and the sea much has been taken from me.

What do you do with it, this shattered life, watch it and see how it unfolds.

There is not much to do with it right now, but watch and wait, and prayers,

Good night my friends and family HUGS

Why are we here?

We aren’t here to bring many to God, we are here for that one precious lost sheep.

Everyone thinks the more they save, the more they lead, the better it is, but the shepherd did not go after the many, he went for the one that was lost.

Humans tend to be many things that are awful, it isn’t sinful to be human, it is sinful to ignore the fact there is good there and to acknowledge it, accept it, to love what it there despite the all the horrible things. 

It confuses me that with so much that is broken, so many in pain, no one seems to want to fix it, instead they add to it. Even to their own.

Why do humans insist on hurting each other? Why do they insist on hurting themselves? Because when you hurt someone else, or ignore someone else who is hurting, you are really only hurting yourself. People do it every day, with words, with fists, with knives, with guns, with bombs, with hateful thoughts.

 Thing is you never even just hurt yourself when you hurt those you don’t like, you hurt the people you do like, and love. So yes, everyone gets hurt. Is it worth it?

 

 

Just One Person

by Dallas Sieck

Monday, October 14, 2019
8:17 PM

I want to find that one person
Who will hold me
Yet let me go
When it’s time for me to go
For however long it might take
Whether it be an hour, day, or week
Just hold me
But let me go
Let me go in peace
I want to find that one person
Who will love me
And still be able to leave
When it’s time to go
Knowing that I will love them
Always
Hold me
Hold me but not too tightly
Just hold me
Hold me for a little while
Love me even if I go away
Because I just need to find that one person
Just one person
It only needs to be one person
To hold me

This is a song, maybe repeat the first 5-6 lines fading at the end

Rock bottom

 

Rock bottom

Monday, May 6, 2019
6:14 AM

Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can appreciate some of the things in your life, maybe even appreciate life. And rock bottom isn’t fun. Still, maybe more people who have too much and still don’t appreciate what they have should hit it. Maybe everyone should at least once in their life.

Is this a cruel thought? I would rather believe it a very important lesson, a valuable one that often the people who need it the most don’t get. And sometimes the people who do get this “gift” don’t see it for what it is. Instead they want to see it as something harsh and even life ending instead of life altering.

Rock bottom. I am beginning to think most people don’t appreciate life let alone the things if brings to them including the lessons, especially the hard ones.

Sometimes when times get difficult it would be a good idea to take a breath then look around at the world. Even at the things you think don’t look pleasant. You might find some very beautiful things to look at. You might hear some too. Or smell some.

HUGS