A gift for Trisha on her graduation

There are so many things I miss doing, not all of the time, just at certain times you know.

 

Like walking Scotty. I used to do it several times a day when I could, even when I didn’t feel like it I walked him at least a couple, especially in the evening or just as night fell so we could just wander peacefully and I would look at the stars and he would follow the scents of the day. I never had to worry too much about over doing it because he could sense when I needed to come home.

 

Then I broke my right ankle real bad and it took almost a year to heal and even then the doctor said the bone didn’t look strong enough for me to walk safely without a walker. And even then I wondered if I should be at all, but I did. In fact I did so, stupidly, without my walker. Broke both legs badly.

 

You are probably wondering why on earth I would do such a thing, just get up and walk without the walker. Well Alzheimer’s tends to make you forget things and walking was something I had told myself I would do for as long as I could because I knew the day would come when I couldn’t.

 

I have another condition I was born with and has been quite a problem, though I almost never talk about it, mostly because I tried to pretend as long as you can’t see anything wrong, then there wasn’t. I hated being treated differently and they made sure I was all through school. Unfortunately there are many people who thought this brittle bone disease was something they could catch from me. So when parents found out you had the pitying ones, whom I can’t stand either for very obvious reasons, then you had the stay away from her so you don’t catch anything. Then you had the ones who said, “Don’t play with her or touch her because if you hurt her, her parents might sue us and the school.”

 

No, they never said this to me, though I got some of it from their kids. Whether they said it to my parents I have no idea.

 

Why am I suddenly saying all of this now? Well I have had to live my whole life with Osteogenesis Imperfecta my whole life. Lots of broken bones, hurt feelings that I had to keep hidden, and a lot of other things that right now I really don’t want to talk about.

 

I am talking about it because walking has finally been taken from me. I had expected it for many years. Some doctors would be surprised I was walking for as long as I did. Fragile bones wasn’t the whole problem, my back is in pretty bad shape.

 

I’m talking about this now because I want all of you who can walk to enjoy it. Look around you really look at the things around you. I always did. I tried to appreciate every step I took. Like I do every breath I breathe.

 

People tend to live life and forget that there is more to life than simply going through the motions. I try to ask Ron and Trisha every time they come home, and Adrian when I see him after he gets off work, whether they had a good day. I honestly want to hear what their day was like- for them. Sometimes it helps them recall things they might have never thought about. Sometimes it helps in other ways too. People very seldom asked me how my day was when I was younger and now, being stuck in a bed all day, sleeping sometimes half the day I have little if anything to talk about.

 

I still try to appreciate things. Alzheimer’s has taken a lot from me. Almost more than the bone disease I was born with.

 

Anyone reading this, if you actually read this far, thank you. I have many things I am very grateful for. My family, friends, getting to watch the seasons change. Watch the animals play. Scotty really likes Trisha Rachel Sieck’s cat, Bojangles. I will put some photos up and I will try to get some of Bo and Scotty.

 

You see, Alzheimer’s hit me in my early 30’s it just didn’t get properly diagnosed until Ron moved me to WA State. We found a wonderful doctor who was bluntly honest. He kept up on things but admitted it didn’t look good. But he told me to try and keep writing and reading, listening to music, draw when I could not write. He threw me a lifeline and I have an app that shows me what to do each day.

 

My days mostly go like this: I wake usually around 8 to take my meds. Sometimes I fall back asleep, sometimes I stay up and try to do things. Read, write, crochet, whatever, and sometimes I just can’t make myself do much of anything.

 

Getting old stinks. There are so many things one wants to do. So many things one wishes they had done maybe even now, The most important thing is whether we learn anything living this too often rushed through life. What gems did we get out of the struggles we had what scars, seen or otherwise, did one receive while throwing themselves against a wall probably dozens of time before finally giving in. What would your story say to others if you let them read it.

 

What gifts has life given you up to this point?

 

HUGS

Friendship

Have you ever seen a movie or show that just reached out and made you so much a part of it that you wish it were real? Okay, probably lots. But sometimes one comes along that speaks to you in just such a way it makes you feel more everything you lacked in life.
This can happen with a book or a song or a piece of art, almost anything. Weird.
I never had many friends. We moved too much and always at just the wrong time. And trust me, they may say they will write, but life happens. Especially when you move so much. Much more than addresses change and get lost.
Maybe this is the biggest reason “San Junipero” from the Black Mirror keeps calling to me. Two people finding someone and something they had lacked. Though one didn’t know it at the time.
In this day and age more and more people are able to have friends even if they never actually meet in person. Some become close, some even marry. And it often seems easy to make friends. Maybe too easy considering there are not so nice people out there who would rather harm than help.
Still, we have a chance that wasn’t possible before. Even if the same things tend to happen. Fights, stalking, bullying, etc. The opportunity to have a friend, someone to share thoughts and ideas with, laugh with, cry with, and all the rest is there. It really makes me wish more than ever that people were nicer to one another. After all, isn’t that the point of us all being here together? To be nice to each other, to smile at each other, share a little thoughtfulness and consideration.
Maybe there is no such thing. Maybe it is all a fantasy, wishful thinking, like “San Junipero”. But every day that goes by that I hear about so much hate, anger and all the ugliness, loneliness, it makes me wish all that harder that it were real.
What they have there is probably what we were supposed to have, and throw away. You shouldn’t have to wait to die for good things to happen. You shouldn’t. It should already be happening.
And don’t bring the Garden of Eden into this either. I am seriously beginning the believe that is nothing more than an ecuse men make for why things are so bad when in reality they could change. But I guess making excuses and staying the same mean, selfish self is easier.
Good night.

It Really is Sad

Warning, this is a venting post. I am not taking any consideration of anyone’s personal feeling right now. Mostly because too few bother to consider mine. This is simply something I have to get out and just having it tucked away hidden in a file seemed disrespectful of myself and the few out there that must feel and think the same as I do. It would be a shame if I found I really was a lone wolf on this subject. But I don’t think I am.

It really is VERY sad that a grown man cannot simply move on with more important matters. It really is VERY sad he thinks the country has nothing better to do or think about than his childish ego. 

If you realize I am speaking of the baby pretending to be president than you are right. I really am heartily sick of hearing his constant whining about his not receiving more popular votes than he did, and to be quite honest if there IS voter fraud I would suspect it more his doing than anyone else’s and he simply can’t believe his trick didn’t work.

What will he do when they find there is no fraud except on his part?

I am sick of the tantrums he throws, his finger pointing, his constant pouting. He has managed to ruin what little this country had left of respect. And I am writing this to vent, not please.

It sickens me having to wake every morning knowing there is a hateful, spiteful infant throwing tantrums because he doesn’t get things he wants. I never dreamed we would have to live in a country run by people as awful, as selfish, as the people in D.C. right now.

Between the white house, the congress and the senate, we have nothing but idiots thinking only of their own personal self interest instead of the country. I never dreamed it would be so bad. I want to go to sleep and never wake up.

Every time I read of another idiotic thing happening there it makes me wish I had died last year before I had to witness such a sick tragedy. We finally found a government that is so evil and closed minded, thinking only of what they might get out of only God knows what, that I doubt this country ever recovers. It would take many, many generations for this mess to get fixed.

I see it getting much worse long before it gets even slightly better. And it won’t happen with anyone who is currently in office. Sad to think everything my forefathers fought for when they fought for independence has been flushed down the toilet. And all for a few stupid bucks and ego. Perhaps my forefathers saw what was coming because they all left for Canada, Alaska and a handful here in Washington state. It’s a shame most are no longer walking among the living. The country could use a good swift kick!

 

 

Rambling thoughts over ragged sharp stones

 I have one son and two daughters. My oldest daughter now has 2 sons and is a wonderful mother. Despite my thinking I was a not very good parent, my children have said otherwise and when I see how my daughter is raising her sons, I realize I couldn’t have been too bad at it. HUGS
Hey Sweeties, I honestly hate to say this but, this country is in for a world of hurt. In fact, the country that so many men and women and even children died to make happen is in grave danger of being brought down. Regardless whether they manage to get him impeached or not, there is so much damage in so many ways, the country will never fully recover from this.
I am afraid of what will happen. This is not the world, the country, we wanted for you, for our grandchildren, or great grandchildren. He may be a joke of a president, but he is very dangerous because he not only does not know things he should know, he doesn’t care. He doe not care what happens to the people, as long as he has a place to hide in comfort, he does not care what happens to the rest of the nation.
I will be posting this on my blog in a bit, but wanted to share it with you. How are you doing sweetie? I have found you wandering through my thoughts a lot lately. So many things have changed.
But one thing remains the same, we love and care about you very much. Hope that you are well. Trisha graduates this June. Amazing right. 🙂
Take care, my Angel, fly hi and stay free. Help those who are in need and remember, they don’t always look the way one might think.

 

What life is for some

Have been wondering lately if what I have been feeling and experiencing is from Alzheimer’s or a combination of Alzheimer’s and menopause. Whatever it is, it is harsh.
It feels like my brain is being smothered, crushed. It is almost like experiencing a fainting spell in very slow motion, the darkness is not quite complete, but not that far either.
I wear glasses sometimes, and I have found that when I wear them it is much worse, trying to see the world around me when my mind simply cannot accept what it is seeing. No. it is so much better on a bad day to have them off and keep my eyes closes. Or to be able to focus on something close.
If I watch something on my tablet, then try to look out at the room, at everything going on around me, everything collides and yes I have to hide. The same thing if I have been reading awhile. I can no longer go from one realm to the other with ease.
There are days all I do is sleep. I am having more and more trouble naming things that I always knew. Simple things. I know a day will come when I don’t even try. Feels like it is coming too soon.
Trisha, my youngest, graduates this June. She got to go to her prom. She has been tackling life as though she will die tomorrow. And I am so very proud of her.
I can’t recognize her from one day to the next sometimes because she is always changing something, usually her hair. And of course her clothes. I always knew that of the three of them she would be the one always on the go. Taking on the world. And I am so very proud of her for that.
I am proud of each of my children. Each for different reasons. They are each very special. I am also very proud of my two grandsons. They are so smart and so into life and art. They love the world and people and animals. They love.
Maybe that was all I was supposed to do, we are supposed to do. Love. Love and be happy, happy with what we have and are and with what we can do even if it doesn’t seem like much, it must mean something.
HUGS

A Rough Spring

It has been a really rough spring, yet I am thankful that I am not in the hospital this time. I have hit a hard place in that on top of having Early on set Alzheimer’s, now I am going through menopause. And since menopause has so many of the same symptoms I get a double whammy. 

 

It never ends. It has been making me ask, “What’s the point of all this? Why do we do all the things we do? All the hard work, making money, writing, anything we do. Why?”

 

You know, that tiny word can really be huge. It makes me think of something I have said since I was a teen, “For as vast as the Universe is, the mind is more so.”  I realize there will quite a few people who say, “No way!” But think about it a minute.

 

Have you ever REALLY been able to answer the question, “Why?” I mean it is one silly word and yet it is an entire question all by itself that never seems to have a solution, one why will lead to another and another and soon you have – a Universe.

 

Lately I have found it difficult to write. I have been having more trouble stringing words together to form sentences, at least any that make sense. Thank goodness the people around me can usually puzzle out what I am trying to say. It is maddening trying to come up with a simple little word like – oh for heaven’s sake anything. My brain has decided to stop so I have to end this.

 

HUGS

One of THOSE days

Have you ever wondered if anyone reading what you write are people who really need to see something like this or if they are people who are already like you and so easily find it?

Of course, if you have found it, even if you are something like me, you may need to read something here whether because you might learn something you don’t know about yourself, or me, or the world, so I guess everyone who finds this must need something in it. Even if it is a smile.

Not even sure why this came to mind. But I have been wondering odd things lately and have found that it bothers me more now than it once did that I can’t understand why we are here. What purpose there might be in all of this. What the point of all this is.

Yes, it is one of THOSE days.